April 05, 2015

Lviv, Ukraine

After last night’s excess, I felt absolutely miserable and stayed in bed almost the entire day. I did get up at one point to drink juice and shower to help myself feel better, but otherwise, I was bedridden. I spent some time lying down and surfing the internet, but that was the peak of my productivity today. After 20:00, the Ukrainian programmer met up with the Irish lass from last night to show her around the town and he invited me along; so I got out of bed, dressed in to something nice, and then joined them. First we walked to the hostel the Irish lady was staying at to pick up the two Polish guys who were staying there as well; they too were recovering from last night. Then, we all walked to Rynok Square and entered in to the “Most Expensive Galician Restaurant,” which is right above Kriyivka (the Ukrainian underground bunker themed restaurant) and owned by the same people. Just like Kriyivka, the Most Expensive Galician Restaurant is designed to be a secret; after walking up the stairs to the restaurant, we knocked on an unmarked door (there was a sign announcing the restaurant at the bottom of the stairs) and entered inside what looked like a small apartment inhabited by an old man; he then opened the door to the actually restaurant, which had a pianist and violinist playing music, a 1930s style car that was somehow brought in to the restaurant, and a Freemasons theme complete with portraits of Benjamin Franklin and George Washington. Also, the W.C. was hidden behind a curtain and the door was made to look like the door of a bank’s vault; inside, the W.C. was done entirely in Plexiglas with wads of fake cash behind it and the toilet was set up as a throne with the same Plexiglas and stacks of bills (I wish I had brought my camera along for this). We then sat down and ordered drinks; still suffering from last night, I abstained from alcohol and had lemonade and an herbal tea (the tea was terrific and helped me with my hangover more than anything else). After finishing our drinks, we left the restaurant and walked down to Kriyivka to eat dinner. We ordered a four-liter beer tower (now that I was cured, I enjoyed the beer) and I had a giant feast of pierogis stuffed with meat, bigos (a mix of sauerkraut, cabbage, pork, wild mushrooms, prunes, and smoked meat), and a mix of fried potatoes, onions, smoked salo, and sour cream. I was stuffed from that dinner. We also walked around this restaurant and I saw many things I had completely missed the first time I came here alone; there was a secret passage that led to an inner courtyard designed to look like a secret radio operations area that also had a fantasy weapon of the Ukrainian Insurgent Army made from automobile parts and other machinery and looked like a Transformer; up five flights of stairs from the courtyard, there was an anti-aircraft gun on a platform on top of the roof that moved around and people could play with; back inside the restaurant, there was also a mini shooting range for guests to play at (once again, I wish I had brought my camera). Basically, this is probably the coolest and most interesting restaurant I have ever been to and Lviv has other unique, themed restaurants as well; I’d argue that these establishments are as worthwhile as the other attractions in Lviv (i.e. museums and churches). After midnight, the two Polish guys left us in order to wake up early the next morning and make it back to Poland. The Ukrainian programmer, the Irish lady, and I then continued on the night at Masoch café; this time, since I wasn’t alone, it was a lot more fun. We decided to start by each of us doing the special shots they have on the menu. The Irish woman went first. She was blindfolded by the waitress dominatrix (who was administering each shot for us) and I sat down on a chair across the room with the shot placed on the chair, right next to my crotch; the Irish lady was then led to the chair, went down on her knees, and had to take the shot without seeing or using her hands. Once she was done, she was whipped. Then it was my turn. I was blindfolded and my hands were tied behind the chair. The Irish lady then sat down on my lap with the shot between her breasts and I had to grab it with my mouth and down it. Afterwwards, I was whipped. Finally, it was the Ukrainian programmer’s turn. He was placed on the chair, had his shirt taken off, was blindfolded, and had his hands tied behind his back; then the dominatrix waitress poured liquor in his mouth, told him not to swallow, mixed it up by shaking his head, and then proceeded to rub his shirtless body with ice cubes and drip hot wax on to him, while also placing ice cubes in to his pants. After all that and after he finally swallowed his shot, he was whipped. Those were each of the special shots on their menu, named “blowjob”, “foxy lady”, and “el gringo”. We then went back to our table, did normal shots and had some beer. Then a group of four Polish guys who were also in the restaurant joined us. We closed the café down at 04:00 and then all walked back to Kriyivka (a restaurant that is open for twenty-four hours)where we ordered another four-liter beer tower. The Irish lady barely touched her beer before leaving back to her hostel. We then drank some and shared a meter-long sausage before the Polish guys left back to their hostel. Finally, after finishing our beers, the Ukrainian programmer and I returned to our hostel after 06:00, just before the sun came up. We then went to sleep.

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An open journal or an exercise in narcissism.